Ok so this is part 3 of my personal look back into the last decade. Go here for Part 1 and start there if you wish.
I left off at Part 2 in August 2004 about to begin at a new college.
So just after the hurricane hit and demolished Kissimmee and I went to Ybor for the break I was went home for the last few days before moving into a dorm at my new college. My mom, my grandparents and I were going to lunch. My grandparents came and picked me up for lunch and grandfather looked awful, he asked me to drive which he never had asked anyone to drive before. I knew something was up. I immediately called me mom and she came, we ate lunch and my grandparents and I went back to their house. My mom went to work and told them she had to leave. He was getting worst, we called an ambulance and rushed him to the hospital. He had a heart attack. He was in the hospital for what seemed like forever. My grandmother upset, sitting beside his hospital bed praying for him.
It was the only time I ever saw my grandfather cry.
My grandmother came to stay with my parents and soon they began seeing the signs of Alzheimers with her. By the end of the month all of knew things were going to be different. They moved in with my parents, into the extra bedroom and my father began adding an extra in-law suite onto the house.
The next few months my grandfather spent most of his time in his bed, my grandmother in a small bed beside him.
I was off at college by this point. Living in a new dorm with cool new people. One, Ben, of them was from Germany well he had spent most of his high school years there, a place I for whatever had always been interested in. Another, Fry, was from Kissimmee. and another, David, from Hawi'i.
Ben had a friend, an roommate of his, Josh who hung out in the dorm most days. At night he often would sleep in his VW bus in the parking lot instead of going home. Him and I immediately kicked it off and began spending most of our time together.
I soon got a job in the cafeteria, my roommate was a manager which was cool but a tad odd. I met many cool students and some local Hispanic people by working there. I also quickly got involved with the College Republicans (yes I was once a Republican, sad to say) and soon was working for the local office walking the streets of Polk county passing out information on Bush and Gore. I saw many sides of Polk county I never knew existed and soon began realizing this county was not that much different than the one I fought to leave just a few years before.
That first semester was quiet interesting. I had my charismatic experiences in high school but this college a different type of charismatic. One that which I knew little about. By this point I had began distance myself from the charismatics and truthfully from the church.
I stopped going to the orlando mega-church I used to attend because of the drive. I was going to the required chapels at the college and that seemed like enough for me. I was attending a early morning bible study of sorts hosted by the president of the school, Dr Rutland. I was enthralled by him and his magnetic personality.
There was a teacher, my ethics teacher, who also had this ability. I sat in his class with 400 other students continually amazed at how well he could control a conversation with 400 people involved, answering questions and actually knowing all the students names. To this day he is probably the smartest person I have ever met. (Sadly both are now gone from the college.)
I soon began to blog at how much better my new school was as compared to my old one. This, of course, upset many of my old friends. I soon had a falling out with many of those friends including the girl who was as close as a sister to me. Looking back I understand why they were so upset, I was bad mouthing what they invested in but at the time all I could focus on was how my new college had these seductive and enchanting leaders. well that and the resort like campus.
Sadly I soon lost touch with all the friends my first college. After I stopped going to the church in Orlando none of them attempted to stay in touch with me so I soon also lost touch with most of them. I was still in touch randomly with my one friend from high school but I was now at a new college, alone again, burnt by another church, in what seemed like my high school time all over again.
For some reason the lack of connection from the church really got to me. I was hoping the my experiences with my first church were isolated incident. I began seeing that it was actually the norm and began questioning the need for church at all. I had hurt by many people, why would I join an institution that also would hurt me? I spent most of the year without ever going church and deep down inside I didn't ever really want to go back.
There was one thing though that was worst than the hurt from the people, one thing that was eating away at me. I had to let it out.
I knew things had to change. While back at my first college I had shared a secret that I had kept since I was 12. I knew it was time to tell others this secret. So one evening while at my parents house, with my grandparents asleep in the other room, I sat my parents down and told them how my best friend, a boy a few years older than me( he was 15 I was 12), had convinced me to let him do certain things to me. I had been molested by my best friend. My parents were in shock, my mother literally threw up and they both told me to never speak of it again.
(I don't know if he had done it intentionally. He pressured me to do certain things but there was still at a certain level me agreeing to it. This of course was only at a level were I feared a lost of a friend if I didn't, and even at that age I was quiet lonely in life. Now I know that a friend who would pressure another friend to do such things in no friend at all)
I knew this wasn't what I should do so I turned to the place that had just helped me with my grandfathers heart attack, my blog. I came out later that same night on my blog and finally told the world the one thing that had been eating away at me all those years. That night I was freed. My parents, of course, were not happy about me being so blunt but I knew this was the best move I could have made. That day I was freed and my blog took on a new life for me, soon I was receiving emails from people who supported my move and to this day I sometimes receive emails from people who find the entry and it encourages them to also come out about their own secrets.
My old friends from my first college all supported me through this but then I lost touch with them again.
By the spring semester I was loving school, spending every waking moment with my new friends, especially josh. He was really the closest I had ever been with a friend. We spent most of our time exploring Lakeland, watching Star Trek, and doing what guys do.
Sometimes we would sleep on the back porch of my dorm, it was an old studio apartment complex on the lake. We would lay out there on the porch listening to the ducks, until we fell asleep.
I decided to get my nipples pierced but didn't have the money so I did it myself, the next day I woke up with a boob and had to go to the doctor to get it disinfected. I waited till they healed and got them pierced by a professional. They were my first piercings.
I had won a goldfish at a carnival of clubs the school put on and spent lots of time with this truly first pet of my own. He lived in a pickle jar and his name was goldie. He was the coolest pet I have ever owned, I would feed him chips and peanuts and he seemed to love them. I trained him to swim through a hoop, just like the dolphins at SeaWorld.
In Febuary Josh had told me about a cool hippie gathering in the woods near where I grew up. I had seen the rainbow children, or modern day hippies if you will, all the time growing up but I never actually knew what they did. So we loaded up in the car and headed up to the woods to meet some hippies.
We arrived late at night beyond the time when any normal person would be up. We parked beside some other cars and began walking down a dirt road. There was a giant sheet hanging in the trees spray painted "Welcome Home" on it and an old lady slowly got out of her rocking chair, walked over to us, and gave me the longest and most guinune hug I had ever recieved, she leaned into my ear and whispered "Welcome Home."
I actually did feel at home. I had go to a rave or two while at my first college and those felt welcoming but this, this was more than just welcoming, this was a group of people, all focused on love, all focused on peace. It was the opposite of what I had been around for so long and it felt so right.
A guide came up to us and walked us down the path, we found a small clearing and put up our tent. I awoke to the sound near the tent of a guy hollering that he had coffee ready. I walked over and asked how much it was, free, so I took a cup. It had some small pieces of something in it. He began talking about how the pot had more 'shrooms in it the night before but most were gone by the time he actually made the coffee. it was coffee with 'shrooms. it was the best coffee of my life.
We met up with another friend from college, who had been going to gatherings of this sort for awhile. The next few days were filled with campfires, drum circles, streaking, cigarettes and good times.
It was soon time to leave for school. The rest of the semester I longed to go back into the woods to dance with the hippies.
Back at school I was begining to get annoyed at some of the other students. By this point my next door neighbors had all been kicked out due to the secuirty catching them with drugs. There was only one guy left in the dorm so I would sometimes go to his dorm just to get away.
One night Josh and I were on the back porch and we noticed a neighbor a few doors down making out with his girlfriend. We thought this was funny and decided to annoy them. So I went in and put on a zebra print thong that I had, pulled it up tight, and with nothing else on walked up to them and asked for a bucket of ice. It is by far my favorite memory of that year. Surprisingly they didn't seemed shocked but to this day I love that story. Soon after the school had security cameras installed on the dorms, though I think the two aren't related.
That semester I was finally free of my past and I truly became my own person. I had great adventures with Josh. I did things that for most of my life I would have looked down upon. We went camping in city parks, wrestling till my nipples got ripped (I soon had to take out my nipple piercings), spent many hours in the gym, and spent many afternoons enjoying a local BBQ joint.
One day while at a local park jumping off sand-dunes I walked up to the edge of the dune, the sand began to shift, I jumped and landed on clay. I shattered two vertebrates. I felt a pain I hadn't really felt before, it was my first broken bone. I tried to ignore it for a few days but soon realized it was getting worst. After three days and barely able to move my back I went to to chiropractor. He was surprised at how I waited so long and had me go through a semester of rehab at a local chiropractor. I shrunk 1 inch because of the accident and still have trouble with certain things because of my back.
Just before the end of the school year I moved out into my own place. A small master bedroom turned studio in an older house in one of Lakeland's many ran down areas.
As a house warming present a friend from my old church who also attended my new college gave me a 24 pack of beer. I had really ever drank before and was only 20 at the time. I had no one to give it to so I decided to drink it. At first the beer was pretty nasty, then the taste grew on me, my beer 24 I was sold.
The first weekend in my own place was filled with beer, a girl, and lots of fun. This though soon grew old and it seemed so odd as I was still in college to be a pastor, such lifestyles are usually frowned upon to those of the ministry.
That summer I got a job at a youth ranch/camp for underprivlaged youth. It was only a few hours from Lakeland but I would spend most of my time working at the camp. That summer I learned as much, if not more, as the kids. I finally dealt head first with my own battles with authority and came out at the end of the summer stronger, happier, and skinner!
I had saved all my money that summer to buy a old school bus that I could convert into makeshift RV with which I could travel the country. The bus driver at the camp had done this back in the early 70's and had many stories he shared with as we drove all over the state to the pick up location each week picking up students. These stories only encouraged my inner hippie and I was soon sold on the idea of buying a bus.
As soon as the camp ended I called my friend in Montana and asked if I could go out there. Camp ended on Thursday evening, I barely slept that night, Friday I boarded a plane for the first time in my memory and headed to Montana. I arrived at the airport in Spokane Washington later that day where my friends father was waiting for me. I had just had a summer of healthy small portion camp food and was starving. I was introduced to Jack in the Box and to this day it holds a special place in my heart.
The next few days were filled with hiking, exploring small towns, a party, and lots of keno. Keno is everywhere in Montana and I loved it. This week was amazing. I saw mountains larger than I ever imagined possible. I saw landscapes that were more epic than any postcard I have seen. I got my ears pierced and had some small diamond studs put in them. When I walked off the plane and saw my parents my mom thought it was joke, but then she liked them. I liked them too. I now had multiple piercings, it felt awesome. The whole week was a dream like overwhelming experience. On the last I said good bye to all the family and loaded up in a bus for the trip back to Spokane. My first non-city bus experience.
As soon as I came back a friend from the college asked me to help her move back to her home in Michigan. So her, my friend from high school and I loaded up my car and headed out. The next few days were amazing. I just turned 21 a few days before and in a small German village just outside Cincinnati I ordered my first beer in public, a Warstiener.
I took in as many sights as possible along the way. Atlanta, Cincinnati, Indanpolis, Chicago, St Louis, and the U.P. of Michigan.
By the time school began the following week I felt as though I had seen America. I also had spent all the money I had saved up, but two epic trips were must better than an old bus I would probably never been able to drive.
I was still living in my small master bedroom turned studio. Cooking on a microwave, no chairs or couch, and bathroom the size of closest. not even a sink deep enough to wash dishes in, I had to strip naked and wash them while I took a shower. It was small, but it was I could afford and it was mine. I swear to this day my landlord was a drug dealer, getting visitors all times of day and night and never coming out of his house.
The neighbors across the street would get into arguments in the yard and scream at each other until the cops would arrive. I found out that the actual room I was renting had been robbed three times just before I moved in. I was experiencing a side of the city I had only driven through and seen on TV.
I spent most of my time on campus or at a friends house this semester. living alone, with no TV, no reliable internet, screaming neighbors, a drug dealing land lord and no place to even sit down seemed depressing to me. I soon began looking for other places to move.
I was cleaning banks in the evenings, driving from the school to Avon Park, then Eagle's Ridge and then to Haines City, a good 3 hours of driving a night, 6 nights a week cleaning banks. I was spending all my cash in gas and had little time for anything except school and work.
In august Josh asked me to start attending a church with him, it was his grandparents church and he wanted to start a youth program there. Another one of our friends, the one from Montana, also began helping. It was an extremely liberal church and for the first time in my life I was talking to universalist on a regular basis and their points actually made sense. My faith was being challenged and in return I began questioning many things about my faith.
I was about to start up a dream I had forgotten about since high school and that dream in a unplanned way would introduce me to a group of people, and one person in particular, who would forever change my life.
but before that dream comes a time when i was more stressed, more alone, and more confused than ever. and I was about to take drastic move to fix things. all that though must wait because this entry is again getting to long.
I have homework to do and sleep I must get. So happy reading and I hope you wait till Part 4.
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