Well, let me get caught up on this blog.
After a short time off with the campaign we were back on the road headed through the panhandle. Two of the interns had dropped out so there were only three of us left. Lake City and then hwy90 across through Live Oak. In Live Oak we stopped for lunch. The citizens of the town welcomed us with open arms, both newspapers came to the diner we were at and interviewed Michael and we chatted with many of the locals. Then it was onto Tallahassee. In Tallahassee we stayed with a lovely southern family I found on CouchSurfing. Their liberal views challenged my thoughts on what it means to be southern. While the family was liberal in their political views their daily lives were typical of the lives of many southerns. Their hospitality was sometimes overshadowed by their way of life, an unfortunate reality I caught myself in. They had a chicken, a turkey, a dog, ferrets, and a wormfarm inside the house along with the 3 kids and the parents. It was challenge but the longer I sat in the living room, even as the turkey sat there with us, the less I seemed to be focused on the animals. It was a lesson for me in the ideas of accepting people for who they are. Sure this family didn’t have the cleanest or nicest house we’ve stayed at this summer but this family was by far one of the most generous families I’ve ever met. The father tried to give me his dishwasher because I said I would love to have one in my apartment. I’ve never been offered a persons dishwasher before, of course I couldn’t accept the offer but still who offers their dishwasher to a stranger they just met! I want to get to this level of hospitality. This was a lesson in loving strangers that I desperately needed. From Tallahassee I headed back home for a few days of school since it was summer finals week. Then I caught a ride back the panhandle with Chris and Kate as Michael was about to finish the trip in Pensacola. We arrived the night before Michael was to ride into the city and found a Motel 6 to crash for a few hours before meeting up with the rest of the campaign staff.
The next morning we woke up and headed out to a few sights around town. Then we went to a BP press conference at City Hall. About halfway through the press conference Michael showed up. The press conference itself was interesting due to the in-depth information about how the cleanup was going. After the press conference Michael tried to drum up some publicity but few people in town were interested in his bike ride. The campaign bike trail that began in Key West with ended with Michael sitting on the steps of a Pensacola newspaper that just told him they weren’t interested in his story. It was a sober moment but one that was needed.
That evening all of us went back to the house of a support where the other interns had been staying. The owner was a great guy, a local African American surgeon who was into Buddhism. He did some meditation, teaching us a few key phrases and techniques. That evening we all headed out to the beach to watch the sunset. It was the first beach sunset I’d seen since the trip began in Key West. It was such an amazing time. I stood on the pier, alone amongst the crowd, with the wind blowing just loud enough to drown out all the noise that surrounded me. It was the reflection time I needed.
The next day we headed back to Deland and all the interns parted ways with Michael and the campaign. The trip was finally done, the cameras finally off, and my summer finally coming to an end. I’m glad for my time on the road this summer. Sometimes the best places to think are those locations away from the everyday life.
The next week Jimmy headed down to Orlando and spent some time with me before he was to fly out to Boston. We spent a good two weeks exploring Orlando. My birthday dinner was with him, my parents, Chris, and Dennis my pastor from church. It was a nice dinner at a local Mexican restaurant overlooking a small local lake. I grudgingly accepted that I am now 26 and am becoming/have become an adult. The time that Jimmy and I spent together was a great time to show him more of my life. We took a day trip to Lakeland where I showed him Southeastern University and some of my old favorite spots in town. We also spent a couple of days in Gainesville at his friend Corrine’s place. We went to the Florida Natural History Museum and explored UF/Gainesville some.
Soon though it was time for Jimmy to fly out. I dropped him off at the airport and drove directly to school. Classes were beginning that week and though I only have two classes this semester many of the side projects needed to graduate are due this semester. I’m only a few months away from finishing my Master’s degree, a thought that both scares the hell out of me and excites me. No matter what happens I know that I’ve gained a network of friends and connections from this schooling.
The next few weeks were mostly filled with school and work. I’m back in the sociology lab working on a drug survey for the next few months. This time of only school and work was needed to open up more personal time to reflect upon the changes that are slowly and quickly happening in my life. One day this summer before heading back on the campaign trail in I was trying to figure many things out. I called my mom and talked with her and then decided to call Maggie up. I called her and confessed my love for her one last time. She told me she had moved on and was already dating someone new. As strange as it sounds this is exactly what I needed to hear. I felt a freedom and relief to finally move on myself. Since that conversation I have spent almost all my free time reflecting and exploring who I am. The past five years I was set in one direction, now I am able to truly dig into myself and find who I am. A lot about me has changed in the past five years and I needed this time to understand what those changes mean to my life and to my future.
Many of these changes are a direct relation to my faith journey. Five years ago I was in the middle of my time in Christian college on track to become a pastor. That idea is long past now. I went through a season of doubt, of loneliness, and of anger. I took time off from religion, from prayer, and from God. Luckily he didn’t take time off from me. I found a church exactly one year ago this week where I was welcomed as who I am with no expectations to be fake or perfect. Even as I began going to this church off and on I was still in the middle of trying to figure out my own faith identity. With the amazing love that I received from this church many of the wounds from previous Christians were healed, some of those wounds much older than I thought.
This new growth though also opened me up to explore other parts of myself, parts that just didn’t work with who I was still trying to be with Maggie. Though we had loved each other at one time our love had become status quo. I had become complacent. I no longer had the spark of love I once had. I began exploring more even as Maggie and I drew further and further apart. Our breakup was expected but still had to except.
My faith journey though was just beginning. This summer I was surrounded by many non-Christians and some open atheist. It helped me appreciate what my faith is and what Christianity is. It showed me how religion does help the world and how I do need those relationships that a faith community fosters.
In mid-August I decided I was going to attend that fall retreat that the church I attend hosts. We headed out this past Friday and arrived back last night. It was the bookend needed for my time in the desert. It was the confirmation needed to know this is my new church family. I’m beginning this new chapter of my life ready for the adventure it will bring. The next few months will bring challenges I’ve never imagined I would face but it also brings new adventures I’m excited to experience. I’m glad to be out of the desert, so relieved and glad to hear the voice of God once again.
This weekend I was challenged by the simple things of faith, faith itself being the biggest one. Life isn’t lived in a lab where every aspect of it can be inspected and examined. Life is messy, life is unexpected, and life is beautiful.
It took me losing the first love I’ve ever had to rediscover the love of God. It took me driving from Key West to Pensacola to rediscover the unpredictability of life itself. It took me a year of church and a retreat to truly understand that for maybe the first time in my life I am truly accepted by a group of Christians.
I won’t claim the hard times are over because I know they aren’t but I will claim that from here I can see the hope beyond these hard times. I can see the love through these hard times. I finally have the courage needed to stand up as who I truly am, I finally have the support needed to be who I’ve always need to be. As summer transitions to fall one chapter of life comes to an end as a new one opens not with tragedy as many of these past chapters have opened but this chapter opens with a glimmer of hope.
Thanks for reading.
--welcome to the wormhole--
0 comments:
Post a Comment