Sorry for the super long unannounced absence. After 5 years of blogging I just fell out of it for a season but do not fear for I am back!

I hope that you didn't miss me too much, truthfully I'm sure most of you didn't even notice I was gone, thats ok though.

If you didn't catch my mention above I'll reiterate it. Ken's Therapy just celebrated its 5th birthday, 5 years ago I began blogging (those days I was on AOL Journals, before moving to Xanga and now I'm here at Blogger). Some of you have been with me the entire time, for that I must say thank you! It is your active commenting and emailing me that help me through so much.

The past 5 years have brought more things into my life than I could ever imagine.

5 years ago I was at Florida Christian College about to head to at that time what I thought was the greatest school on earth Southeastern College in Lakeland (now Southeastern University). I began challenging Fahrenheit 911's claims and soon after the blog seemed to be getting huge hits. But as America's interest in the film died so did the huge numbers (which in all truthfulness was better for me since this is really just a personal journal than a numbers game)

Soon after my grandfather had a heart attack, my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and I decide the time was right to finally come out the sexual abuse I had encountered earlier in life.

I soon fell out of love with SEC. I spent a summer in the woods with inner city youth before flying out to Montana for week, all being updated on here. And a trip to Michigan where I added many pics from. Then I got involved with a local church helping revive a youth group that had long been forgotten, soon the entire was revived (and I can say now that church is active and growing part of its community!). Soon after I had a major falling out with a close friend but also I found love for the first time ever. By May I was dating an amazing woman who challenged me.

Then I flew to Germany for 2 months, a day into the trip my grandmothers passing caused my entire world to crash down around me. I found myself in a foreign country all alone dealing with one of the hardest loses of my life, this blog helped me through it.

Soon after I was back into school, in love, and another trip to Michigan. Then came another blow with the passing of my grandfather, my last living grandparent. Soon after I was working in a mega church and quickly realizing the dreams I also had weren't meant for the church.

By December of '07 I had left the church, graduated, and got engaged. Then I began a time that I can only describe as a desert experience where I questioned EVERY aspect of my life. All through it Maggie and you readers helped me. In 2008 the world was introduced to Todd Bentley and I quickly jumped onto the story through this blog, exposing the ties Bentley had to previous con artist and filling the blog with original videos I took at the revival. I began twittering in 2008 (way before it was cool) and my blog suffered for awhile because of it. But soon I was back because life can't be summed up in 140 characters. Soon after I wrote my thoughts on President Rutland leaving SEU and what seemed to be an all out war of comments entailed but luckily that also quickly dissipated. That kept me till a few months ago where I knew I had to stop, reflect upon myself and take that next step. I now know the desert is over. I now find myself at another major milestone.

Since my last post my life has changed quiet a bit:

The wedding has been postponed indefinitely due to finical concerns.

I am selling my house and moving to Orlando because I was recently accepted into the Graduate program at UCF. In the fall I will be begin my pursuit of a Masters in Applied Sociology, soon to be followed by a PhD!

I am currently unemployed, as are both of my parents. Maggie is moving to Louisiana for a few months in 3 weeks to help her family as her sister in law finishes her own schooling.

I still believe in God but am having a difficult time finding how the church in its current state can really help anyone. Truthfully I even wonder how involved God is in our every day lives. I have been recently studying Kabbalah, which fits perfectly with my interest in Buddhism and Oriental Christianity.

I realized that I am a Christian Universialist (look it up, I think more people are than they realize).

The past few months have found me going through a 'coming of age' experience if you will. Throughout middle and high school I denied myself many things in the name of 'religion' even though all it did was isolate me and make me look like an ass. The past few months its as if all those experiences I missed out on have fallen into my lap, a entire teenage and young adult life but in fast forward. My views have been altered, my goals have changed. Now of this came out if nowhere, its been brewing for awhile but I finally opened the closet door and let the butterfly out.

So now I am here, a new man of sorts. My new chapter has not yet fully begun, its as if two movies are playing on the same screen. The old me refusing to be finished, my house not selling, no job in sight. At the same time on the same screen the new movie of me in grad school, meeting new friends and living the life the I've always wanted to live.

I have no clue what tomorrow may bring but I shall blog about it!

I'm glad to be back!

Why is it so hard for me to just admit Christianity is right? This might cause me to lose a job but hey its what I'm thinking...

I look at Buddhism in all its wonderful teachings and its great, I love it. But then I look the idea Nirvana, you mean the ultimate end of an examined life is just bliss? I can not except a self centered bliss as the end of an outward focused life, but then I look at Buddhism and I don't see an outward focused life. I see people working on their on salvation and nothing else. Personal meditations, personal exercises. I can't just live for myself, humanity is larger than the individual. Same with Hinduism. And I have similar thoughts with just a dabble in Sufism.

But then at the other end of the pendulum is Judaism. A completely community based salvation. I don't want that either. I mean my community, America, is pretty fucked up and I fear if that is what represents me what the crap will happen? The arguments against Judaism being community based seem to just go back the self centered salvation. Same with Islam. Same with Egyptology.

Christian seems to have a balance, personal choice and community representation. Maybe its that I have been educated in what Christianity is, so I can look past the flawed and fucked up western version of it, or maybe I am just more closed minded than I like to admit. I see in Christianity as a merging of both thoughts though, of Buddhism and Judaism.

Christianity has few ideas that are new. I mean the concept of a god mating with a human and birthing a perfect man predates Christianity by at least 2,000 years. The concept of a god choosing to live among man and experience his pain also predates it, as does a God giving his son for mankind, and a god-man (or hero) that flies into heaven at the end of his life. I mean these ideas were everywhere within Greek Mythology, Roman Mythology and even as far back as Hinduism, some can date all the way back to Egyptian thought.

Stories of high and lesser gods battling each other, of lesser gods coming into the courts of higher gods, all of it is a mix of so many other religions.

Beyond its stories though Christianity has the call to connect with humanity, with nature, and with a higher being. It also has the Utopian eschatology that seems to be the most on tract with where the world is going (ending in a man-centered/man-created utopia).

I know Jesus existed on earth, but even if he didn't, even if it was just myth, it is still such a fusion, such a radical merge of ideas that it can't be ignored.

For some reason I kind of wish Christianity wasn't the answer. It would be easier to just lay it down and go down a new path. It would be easier to say that the Christian me is the old me. Instead I have to work through my false theologies and poorly realized past. I have to admit that yes for a long I didn't understand Christianity and am now just scraping the surface.

But then I think, isn't the same true for the other religions? I mean I've only been looking at Buddhism for 6 years or so, Wicca for 10 years or so (the inequality or ageism is what really turned me off here), Islam for 4 years or so. I mean I've been a Christian most of my life so I how can I say I think it is the way when I haven't delved into these other religions in the same manner.

I tried to look at the original text as much as possible. To study it on my own, not influenced by the modern screwed up versions on it (especially the materialistic trends within modern Buddhism, so I studied more Theravada Buddhism). When I look at the text of Christianity though, with all its strange stories (sorry anyone who says stories of talking donkeys, scales falling off eyes, and Pinocchio style whale stories is normal has been smoking something) it seems to be factual when need be. I mean archaeologist have proven it over and over again. The historical documents outside of it help it stand not let it fall. The same can't be said for the Book of Mormon (and yes I read it and sorry I didn't feel a burning sensation in my bosom like I was promised) or many other documents I read from other religions. I love the text found within Sufism but they seem lacking as well.

Sure the Bible is hard to read but there's something about a sacred text written over all those years. I personally think the Old and New Testaments should have never been bound within the same leather. They are two distinct books, one of the old way, one of the new. The new built upon the old but overarching it also. I view it as a bowl turned upside covering the old.

Why is it so hard to admit Christianity is the only way. I don't think it is, I mean God will judge according to knowledge. Plus you can not accept something but also not reject it. What about those people who are still just seeking, plus why are their gates in heaven if no one comes and goes? Why create a new earth if we will all be living in the city of Heaven? I won't get into all my thoughts on these things, just enough to say once I studied true Christianity it made sense.

I struggle with admitting Christian is the way because of what the modern man has done to it. We have rapped it, taking its beauty, its uniqueness, and its interconnectedness away. We have boiled it down to 2 simple sentences and if it was that easy there wouldn't have been 66 books. I find the teachings of Buddhism, or Judaism, of Sufism within the Christian texts. I find the hope of humanity within the community of true Christianity.

Its just so hard to show that to a world burnt, hurt, pushed away by some fucked up self centered monster that calls itself the church.

Sure I barely posted anything this past month but I still love to see it summed up. This one doesn't reflect my current thoughts nearly as much as most due since I posted few of my true thoughts this past month but its still interesting to look at.



As always you can make you own with whatever text you like using Wordle (I enjoy running whole chapters and books from the Bible through Wordle and then seeing the key words that pop out, it helps me see the text in a new way)

I was planning to write a long entry about how busy I've been but that's not the case. Truthfully I haven't been at all. I've been trying to find a job, subbing in the meantime, and getting more and more depressed about my current state of things.

There is a job in Bradenton that I keep praying for. I interviewed with the pastor and immediately fell in love with the church, its leadership, and the city itself. I really really want this job, but at this point I am starting to feel that I may not have gotten it.

The pat few weeks God has really been moving in my life in ways he hasn't in a quite awhile. Its refreshing to hear his voice again.

I am currently taking a lot of time to relax, get refreshed, and grow closer to God. I really think and pray that this current chapter is close to being over. I know a job is just around the corner (its been 16 months so I hope one is just around the corner!). God has been working in me, preparing me for something greater than what I can imagine, soon he will begin taking me on that journey. But for now I am still learning, still seeking, still growing in and from him.

Lately I have been growing beyond skeletons I thought were long gone, but now I feel stronger and happier even though I know I am still very depressed.

Keep me in your prayers.
Pray that this job in Bradenton comes through, and that one doesn't that another one comes quickly afterwards.
Pray for my spiritual journey as I explore the deep corners of Christianity in a new light and as I open the closet and shine the light to skeletons long forgotten.
Pray for my father as he also is searching for a job.
And Pray that my parents sell their house as they regroup financially.

Thank you guys for the love you give, the positive energy you spread, the thoughts and prayers that keep each of us going, and the faithfulness to this blog. Its been 5 years of blogging for me, I'm not giving it up. I miss all of you and hope to give you some positive news real soon!

Thanks again,
Ken