Fear of what the closest of friends can bring

On Friday I went to local country western bar with a good friend. While there I met many old acquaintances from high school and the former youth group I attended while in high school. To my dismay many of them seemed to not have changed at all, not in even in looks!

I enjoy clubbing and bar hoping (probably more than I should) but as I mature in my spiritual awareness journey I find it difficult to find the reasons to do such things. It seems as though clubbing is just a way for the ego within to find meaning, for me to find a purpose by dancing with people or by drinking away my thoughts.

One of my old best friends seemed to go from a lifestyle where they continually sought ways to bring the positive into the normal to a lifestyle that wouldn’t be a stretch to call hedonistic. Why is it so easy to fall into such self focused lifestyles?

I struggle with it daily yet I consciously try not to do anything that will bring strength to my Desire for the Self Alone. But it seems that all those around have given up hope, have thrown away the dreams of a Utopian tomorrow and instead fill their days with drunken pleasures.
How long though can such a lifestyle last? Sadly I see most of these once radical individuals become mundane thoughtless tools from which others gain wealth in the growth of flawed western ideologies (just as many of the radicals of the 60’s and & 70’s have become today). For many of them the pendulum has swung far away from an outward focused lifestyle, now it seems it will be easy for them to soon be buying into the consumer based propaganda they once fought so fervently against. If the radicals before are any indication it will decades before many of them realize their wrongs and even then will only be doing good as a form of alternative hedonism (Kate Soper seems to expand upon this idea in great detail).

I feel that if I bring up such concerns to these individuals most, if not all, of them will say that it is I who is viewing life the wrong way. Now this may be true but I still do not feel that a life filled with debauchery will help bring positive energy to the universe or even the self. Of course many of these friends will argue why such unproven energy should even be a thought when planning ones actions to which I would have little argument outside of the hope that such an existence of energy gives to oneself. I do not see how living focused on the next high (whether that be parties, clubs, or at home drinking alone) even can fulfill any true desires of the self outside of the destructive desires the ego tells the self it needs.

I guess I’m just trying to figure out why so many throw off the pursuits that have fueled the every thought for ones that are of an entirely opposite motion. Such an action seem like a form death to me. It is more than just a loss of focus; it’s a death to something that makes that person whole.

I try to rationalize such actions away but it is hard to stay friends with people who have completely changed their direction. It is hard to be friends with a person when their entire concern is on desires that so drastically oppose those that I attempt to seek. But in the same breathe it is much easier said than done to give up on such friendships. A close is friend should never so easily be disposed of. But how can such a friendship flourish when the actions of the two parties contrast so dramatically?

I am not at a place to give up on such friendship but it would be a lie to say the thought has not crossed my mind. I must though continue to be there for such friends as I fear that many of the current people they fill their life with may soon disappear, as happened to me.

I want to stay focused on my own death to the Desires of the Self Alone yet I find it becoming more difficult the closer I grow to those who have opposing lifestyles. It is in their actions that I see my own flaws though, so I must find strength within myself and continue to consciously grow such friendships. But is that not a hidden motive? And for how long can such friendships truly last before their actions begin to influence my own? I have given up on the idea of my actions influencing others, for who am I to set an example for another. There are much greater teachers than I, for I am just a student still on the first day of learning. But already I find hardship where I once found refuge.