Faith, Patience, Trust and deep understanding

Today I found that a job my dad was hoping for passed him by. At the same time I check my email hourly (ok usually minutely) hoping a job offer has arrived. Maggie's day care seems to be all but closed. My mom's work is laying off people.

Now I am trying to substitute teach as much as I can. All while trying to plan a wedding. Its been 15 months since I had a full-time job, 15 months!! I know if I trust God he will provide but when, how?

For this too shall pass, but when? WHEN GOD WHEN!?!

God, I trust you but can you please hurry. I have learned more about money management in the last 15 months than I ever learned in a business class.

I am now to the point of sometimes doubting. doubting a job will come, doubting I can hold on until it gets better, doubting the wedding will happen, doubting God.

I know he will provide but how, why hasn't he provided yet? I found a job a few months ago that I really wanted. I prayed and prayed for it. Everything was lining up for it, the stars were aligning if you will, then I was rejected. I know that God isn't a genie who just gives us our wishes but after praying for so many jobs and not getting them it gets hard to keep praying.

One moment it seems I am on top of it all and then reality strikes. I am barely keeping my head above the water, but then again I am keeping my head above the water and thats more than I can say about many other people at this point.

Every week we sing songs about him never letting go, about it being well with my soul no matter what, but until now I was just singing it. Now every day is a blessing, every day though is also torture. Every day I look for a job, every day I call my dad and see if he has found one, nothing. nothing yet, it will come, but in the meantime I am struggling with that whole trust thing.

I still believe God does provide, I still believe he never lets go, that he is everlasting and ever loving, but now I think I know what those things mean. Now I understand why my depression era grandparents had such a strong faith. God provided for them and he will provide for me, he IS providing for me.